As if I have the space or time or air to think about enrolling into anything, yet every time I read, sense or think, I am seeking to enroll in something. I am not quiet sure what has happened to me after my MA year of submission. I feel like I have been slapped into a coma and I can not manage to find a way out of it. I keep saying I have a priority but yet so much of my time is going off from it, and yet at the very same time, I am in search of something, I am absolutely unfamiliar with. Deep down, there is a sound, that tells me it is coming after me, and I will one way or another, find the crossing road with it, but for now keep going, keep seeking. Seeking for what? I am so unfamiliar with it, that every time I see the word enroll, I feel like it might be it, honestly I am loosing it, I barely have the time to blog, and if you ask me what am I so busy with, I have a hard time putting my words together to give you an accurate answer.
Figuring out my shit. Which I have been trying to figure out for God knows how long, but today it is a different kind of figure out, and as much as I am obsessed to enrolling into something new, the same much I am terrified by the idea of having to yet accomplish one more thing. I no longer want to accomplish anything, I now want to sustain. I want to focus, I want to stablize; my senses, my ground, my movement, my hand, literally, I want stability. Maybe, I might be able to say, that this is the first time in my life, that I search for longterm stability. I want to be stable, to stand up tall, sharp, certain, I want to be forever smiling, to feel advanced, satisfied, in the sense of acceptance, I want to dig down and not up, I want to feel rooted, building layers of wonders within the same wonder. An approach to internal being, like the rhizomatic roots of the grandest tree, so huge in its shape, in its weight, but actually I don’t want to care how it looks over the ground, I want with what it looks under the ground, it is so rooted, inside, so deep, in different shapes, in multiple ways, it is all so connected to the soil, to many soil, it looks like a Godfather, it is protection, knowledge, it is security, it is warmth, approval, it is infinite presence. Yes, I want to work my way down, not up, and I do not mean by down, down under, but down, down genuine, down real, down worthy. I do not care who sees it or who understands it, what I care about is the core of it, the truth of it, the clarity of it, the base of it, the light on it, it is the root self, the true self, the one self, the only self. This is where I am today in my life, where are you?
Enroll budged me into this piece.